When Men Go Buggy

by Austin Rich

Once upon a time there was a smelly little insect named Jimmy. Jimmy wasn't actually his name, nor did he have the intelligence to comprehend the concept of names, but to avoid having to refer to this smelly little insect as a smelly little insect, we will call it Jimmy.

Jimmy had a problem. His problem was quite simple to us, unless you just happen to be a smelly little insect too. His problem was as follows: Jimmy was immortal. Now, that was all fine and dandy to him, but he had a quest to carry out that his immortality enabled him to do. He was to figure out why he was incapable of the comprehension of the concept of names. Now, this is great if you want to spend the rest of forever finding out why you can't understand the idea of a name, but Jimmy didn't want to spend the rest of forever finding out why he couldn't understand the idea of a name. He wanted to know why, as far

back as he could remember, people have called him a smelly little insect. But, since he already had a "job" to do, he couldn't just ignore it and move on to something else. That's just not kosher. It's like an unwritten law.

So, Jimmy had to spend the rest of forever trying to figure out why he couldn't understand the concept of a name.

This story would probably have ended right here, but Jimmy was a persistent smelly little insect, not just a smelly little insect, and he was bound and determined to find out why the heck people kept on calling him a smelly little insect. So he devised a plan.

(It must now be stated that among the insect society, plans are rarely needed, and the entire fact that Jimmy was able to come up with one is more than enough for another story entirely. But, we won't get into that.)

Jimmy's plan was, as most insect plans are, really quite basic. One day Jimmy said, "Why the hell can't I just do both at the same time?" and after much thought he decided that this was a very valid point. However, he later thought something even better. "If I could hurry up and figure out why I can't understand the concept of a name, then I would have the rest of eternity to figure out why everyone keeps calling me a smelly little insect." Jimmy was so happy with this idea he went and got himself completely drunk that evening and sang back-up for a thrash band called Burnt-Out, Acid-Brain, Fluorescent Light Bulb Fixtures And Friends, with their only hit, "If I Could Be Like That Smelly Little Insect I Saw One Day On Earth." The band actually did fairly well with Jimmy backing them up, and sprang into the limelight overnight (but that's of no real importance yet).

So, afterward, Jimmy devoted all his time and energy into the discovery of why he can't figure out the concept of a name. With his band status helping him, Jimmy became quite a famous little insect (smelly and persistent too) on most major planets in the universe, to the point where some people actually wanted

to finance his project. Delegates from over two hundred worlds, universes, alternate dimensions, and higher (and lower) planes of existence came to chat with Jimmy to try to help him with his problem. He became so famous, a large statue in his honor was erected by the Microns to show their support for him

(unfortunately, they are only a micron tall as adults, and their idea of large is about one millimeter). So much money was donated to his cause he was able to build a mobile, moon-sized research station to explore the entire fabric of reality in search of the solution to his problem. Jimmy was, at that time, the most well known smelly little insect in the entire universe.

But this didn't seem to help Jimmy much, because no one anywhere knew why he couldn't understand the concept of a name. Jimmy almost gave up his cause, but he made a very vital discovery one day while on Earth. He came across a manuscript in a library. The manuscript was of no importance to him

whatsoever, but the guy that ran the library knew that the monk that wrote the manuscript once knew another monk that at one time wrote a letter to the first monk saying that he knew why an insect that is very famous could not understand the concept of a name. Jimmy suddenly had a thought, and spent the next thousand years researching quantum physics so he could travel back in time and meet said monk.

(Since the next thousand years are quite boring in Jimmy's life, we will skip this part of Jimmy's life and save it for a sequel I can sell for millions of dollars.)

Jimmy finally built his time machine, and decided to bid farewell to the universe in a way that would make him more memorable than its own creation. Since nothing short of its destruction would be much more memorable, he decided to do just that. Unfortunately, another problem Jimmy has is that he easily mistakes entire universe for single beings, and killed an unimportant guy named, coincidentally, Jimmy, who was also smelly and little, but not an insect (but we won't get into that).

When Jimmy arrived in the past, he decided to obliterate his mobile moon-sized research station to remain inconspicuous. But due to his well-known low intelligence, Jimmy didn't count on the fact that large explosions draw big crowds. As a result, he was not prepared for all the people flocking around him due to his universal popularity (so popular, he's even known in the past). He managed to ditch all of them by pointing out Elvis as he flew over the horizon, and jumping behind a bar and grill long enough to disguise himself.

Jimmy hunted down and found the aforementioned monk, and he asked this monk why he couldn't understand the concept of names. The monk had this to say: "Yes, I know why you can't understand the concept of a name," and then he promptly died.

In extreme frustration, Jimmy hurled himself into a hole in the space/time continuum that led to a black hole, and nothing more was ever written about Jimmy ever again.

The monk, on the other hand, is another story entirely.

It turned out that just before the monk died, he had a vision. His vision was of a smelly insect that will have a problem and will come to ask him for advice. The monk also had a vision of his death shortly after. In a hurry, he wrote a letter to his friend and fellow monk telling him of his vision. The monk didn't really believe that his vision was true, nor did he know the solution to Jimmy's problem. So when Jimmy did show up, partly out of shock, and partly because of the foul odor coming from Jimmy, he said that he did know the answer before he died. Over the years the story had been changed and exaggerated, and the one Jimmy heard was what it ended up being.

It appeared that the real reason why people always called Jimmy a smelly little insect was that he had never taken a shower, ever.

As for why he can't comprehend the concept of a name, he's an insect for Christ's sake.

And, had Jimmy stayed around just a bit longer to hear this, he would have probably laughed at two, very laughable, unusual coincidences.

Coincidence number one:

The garage of a well known bank in a small town in New York:

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed, what looked like a man into the microphone. He was wearing blue jeans, or what was left of a shredded pair, and a shirt that said, in an unusual font type, probably a handwritten one, "Grief is for the people who can't spell it!" His hair was greasy and black, and covered the majority of his face, which was fortunate for the people watching him. Four other "men" stood there behind different instruments as they pulled on the strings, slammed them into walls, bent and broke, and in general "played" them as loud and unmelodically as possible. When most of the noise subsided, they began to comment on that "song," saying things like, "I think you could have articulated that last line better," or, "Squid's drumming needs to come in sooner on the second verse." In general, they decided that the "jam" session was very successful and they should pact it in. Then, something happened.

As it was later described over and over again, a small hole in the side of the garage opened as a smelly little insect flew through it, yelling something about the idiocy of the entire monk thing anyway. He continued to fly across the room as the lead singer of the band stared at what was happening. At the exact time the insect reached the other side of the room, another hole opened and if flew out.

The lead singer blinked, and shrugged it off. About thirty seconds later, he said, "Hey, guys. Come here. I got this awesome idea for a song. How does 'If I Could Be Like That Smelly Little Insect I Saw On Earth' strike you?"

A round of "Hey, that's bitchin"s came from the other band members, and they got to work immediately.

Coincidence number two:

A boy about fifteen reads a book in the very distant future about a smelly insect named Jimmy, who was immortal. The boy begins to think to himself about insects, and wondered what life would be like if insects were immortal. At that exact moment, a god was traveling to the very distant past, and overheard the boy's thought. After the god comprehended what the boy had thought, he began to wonder himself. "Hey, that's a nifty idea," he thought. He then began to work out the plans necessary to do just that.

The End (or is it?)