for you reading pleasure, a rough draft sorta thingy I wrote a long time ago. I may actually expand and finish this someday. Enjoy or cry out in terror...whichever.

SPOON


"A laugh...a laugh...a laugh" he said...as he dropped his spoon which he kept with him at all times...other than the time which was just mentioned where he...apparently...dropped...it...the spoon.

"HA HA! For it is I who have yet not begotten thine! Oh yes and DO-ist form the blanchet...blanchet? Yes! For that is the way...and the answer...My child and the spoon locked beside and residing inside!" he thought to himself...while looking down at the spoon now peacefully resting on the wet concrete where he dropped it...he reached down and picked it up..."WITH THIS SPOON! I shall CONQUER THE WORLD!"...with that...he set about to do just that...

He decided his first target was the British prime minister...unfortunately..."That wacky guy with the spoon" realized...he lived in a small farm town in British Columbia. So he immediately applied for a "Post-Written-Place of residency change-permit" from the author of the story being written...the author refused such a permit to the nameless character...and so...this put a damper on his plot against the British Prime Minister...

Fortunately...for him...he woke up in San Francisco...what apparently was the very next day...the "very previous day" never existed...as it was never written about...therefore...it was never created...and never...existed...so not-quite-so-unusually...the character who still has no name...does not recall anything that happened on the non-existent day...creating quite a disturbing hole in his memory...which is bound to have terrible repercussions in the not-so-distant future...thus...reader take note this is not-quite-subtle-foreshadowing, infact...its......oh just read the following (...AND You silly person with the spoon...that day you can't remember, well during that time...we secretly took your spoon and replaced it with...a... DIFFERENT SPOON HA! Everything you have done is in vane!) But since the day never happened...those events never actually took place...so...really everything the character did...or is about to do rather...is not in vane...

Now then...Bill as I have now decided to call him...as I'm tired of making silly little references to the character in which I have created who seems to have very little to do with anything other than the fact that he has a spoon...and has a strong...desire to conquer the world with the aforementioned eating utensil...without giving him a name...uhm...that doesn't make sense...oh well.

Bill was walking down the street...in Toledo...no wait...that's later on...lets back the story up a bit...ok...in the airport...he steps on the frog...the hijackers get their sleeves caught in the escalator...he samples the explosive with his spoon...ok..uhm...further back...oh yes...San Francisco...Bill always forgot how to spell that one...what does it matter?...anyway...Bill...is once again getting annoyed at himself...as he keep rambling about things involving little to do with much of anything involving the plot or story...or him...or...yeah...I'll start a new paragraph now...ok?

too bad.


Bill found himself holding his spoon in San Fransiskow California...he jumps to his feet...which happen to be laying in a neat pile three feet away from the rest of him which is scattered about rather randomly along the sidewalk...noticing his predicament...he immediately applies for a permit from the author...for a "Bodily readjustment...so that I can get on with the story sorta permit"...yeah...the author decides that might be a good idea...so he puts Bill back together...minus a spleen...and adding a uterus...why Bill needs a uterus is to be revealed at a much later time...Bill...once again quite whole...sans spleen...with uterus...begins walking down the street...noticing a rather large ominous looking darkened glass building towering over him just up ahead with a sign on it saying "Rather Ominous Looking Building with Darkened Glass Towering Over Bill" haphazardly stapled to a rather unusual petroleum based walrus statue crudely fashioned into a shape resembling the famous artwork entitled "The Thinker" or whatever that damned thing is called...regardless...this was...nearly disturbing to Bill...as he himself...had only recently realized his name was "Bill"...and could hardly believe...that a rather large ominous looking darkened glass building would have a petroleum based walrus statue with his name crudely stapled to it would exist...uhm...there's another one of those damned sentences which makes little sense unless you re-read it like six times and try and piece together the fragmented logic it took to even think up such an absurd idea...uh...anyway...uhm...I think I should start a new paragraph again.

He ran down the street until he got to the main entrance...Bill thrust his hand out...grasping the door handle...and...deftly...removed the gum from the bottom of his shoe...he then proceeded to pry his way into the building...through the glass...with his spoon...after about ten minutes...and having broken a "Shatterproof/Bulletproof" pane of glass with a cheap institutional metal based eating utensil...proceeded to enter the building and look around..."You could of used the door" the secretary stated as Bill climbed through the broken window pane...notably cutting his sleeve on the glass. "Would you be liking your cup of Tea Bill?" she said..."Tea?" Bill replied..."Liquid stuff...made from leaves of various plants...usually served warm in a cup...but we could have some specially prepared and served in a slightly dampened preserved toad if you like..." she inquisitively...uhm...made the sounds of equivalent to English sorta thing...yeah...she said it...yeah.

"What?"


"There he is! GRAB HIM!" the group of men holding broken plastic butterknives screamed as they noticed Bill standing there...sipping tea out of a slightly dampened preserved toad...Bill remembering these people from the paragraph following this paragraph...ran.

"Hi! now that we've managed to catch you...we'd like to take this time to tell you about our special offer..." (the next forty two million three hundred forty two thousand eight hundred and ninety six and five sevenths words have been cut out...because...well...they were much too long...and boring...and you the reader would of never have had the patience to finish this story had I actually left them in place) "rgain...and for only four easy installments of $19.95 you get the whole set of knives!" the salesmen holding the broken plastic spoon said...Bill having not been able to escape the salespitch like you the fortunate reader have been able to do...was...pondering suicide as a viable means of escape...remarkably by...buying the product which the salesman was offering...and using it to bash his own head in...Fortunately for Bills sake...the petroleum based walrus...fell over...thus crushing the evil salesmen...and...changing the outcome of this story...possibly for good.

Bill ran...and ran...he jogged...then he got tired...he stopped...just outside of Beverly Hills...where a brilliant young plastic surgeon was attempting to park his car...Bill jumped on top of the hood of the car...and began to go into convulsions...the Brilliant young plastic surgeon...quickly...jumped out of his car...and performed an emergency...nose job.

Bill...with his new nose...visited a neighboring swimming pool...where a small Mexican immigrant tax collector was sitting holding the peeled remains of a banana...a remarkably blue young lad by the name of "Remarkable Blue Young Lad" was shoving his hand down his swimming trunks...while...drowning. A lifeguard...still quite amazed with the fact that he had become a lifeguard...was...very impressed with the whole concept of..."Swimming Pool"...repeating every few minutes to himself..."Oooooh a swimming pool"...Bill...helped the Remarkably Blue Young Lad put his other hand in his swimming trunks...and left in search of a trash compactor...this would be...his first step in completing his world domination plans.

Hector was completing his morning trash run...when...some crazy guy waving an eating utensil started chasing him down...he followed him for several blocks...screaming something about "Hog balls have the best odor when eaten with anything other than hog balls!"...Hector was a little worried...so...he shot himself...contrary to his plans he didn't die...infact...he didn't even get hurt...for...at the exact instant that the bullet left the chamber...a small...yet furry creature traveling through time swapped places with Hector...Hector found himself in a tree...in the middle of a dark forest...the next second...he found himself holding a smoking gun...the small yet furry creature...busy building its winter home...had a disturbing image of a bright light at the end of a long dark rotten hollowed out log...he went towards the light...then there was a bright flash...and the dog ate him.

Bill finally caught up with the garbage truck...he forced his way into the passenger seat with his spoon...holding his eating utensil close to Hectors left nipple...demanded to be taken to the nearest "Trash Compactor"..."odd request" Hector thought...but was all too willing to oblige Bill. The drive took several minutes...during the time it took to get there...Hector had the odd sensation of being a small yet furry woodland creature...he couldn't shake this feeling from his head...so he decided after he dumped Bill off at the trash compactor site...he would...shoot himself in the head.

Bill hopped out of the truck...noticing a loud "BANG" coming from the general direction of the dumpster...Bill ran up to the trash compactor...and stuck in the pantomime rabbit which he obtained from a point in the not so distant future...about...a paragraph or so after the next one...into the trash compactor...he pushed the button marked "Create a demonic hell spawned creature from a harmless pantomime rabbit which was previously a small yet furry woodland creature." The trash compactor grunted and strained at the task which it was given...all too happy to complete the complicated task given it...a small red light marked "Your Demonic Hell Spawned Creature is Done" lit up...then promptly burnt out. The Demonic Hell Spawned Beast created from a pantomime rabbit which was made out of the remains of a small yet furry woodland creature that was eaten by a dog...after having warped forward in time switching reality with a suicidal garbage disposal worker...then returning to its proper time suffering a fatal gunshot wound...only to be promptly coughed back up by the dog which realized it was allergic to small yet furry woodland creatures...Jeb having noticed that Old Blew his dog...had coughed up a fatally shot small yet furry woodland creature...picked up "Greg" the small yet furry woodland creature who suffered a fatal gunshot wound...etc...The demonic creature tore its way out of the trash compactor...a little drawer opened up in its cranium cavity...revealing a small piece of paper reading "Now that you have created your Hell Spawned Demonic creature...insert spoon into cranial cavity...and proceed to press buttons A-C/1 in reverse order excluding "P.234" if you press button "P.234" your Large Hell Spawned Demonic creature will turn into a moss covered moose...Bill followed the instructions...thus activating the control sequence in the apparently computer controlled Hell Spawned Demonic creature...He then pulled out the slightly dampened toad containing his favorite brand of tea...and began to sip it with a grin.

Jeb took the body of the small yet furry woodland creature to his log cabin...and began to skin it...he took the skin from the small yet furry woodland creature...and decided that it would make a remarkable gun holster...however...his nine year old daughter wanted a pantomime rabbit...and complained of having a gazillion gun holsters...so he made a pantomime rabbit instead...he gave the pantomime rabbit to his daughter...who drug it around with her everywhere...until the day she lost it in the phone booth just outside of Boise Idaho...it is here that Bill dragging behind him on a leash a large hell spawned demonic creature noticed the pantomime rabbit laying on the floor of the phone booth. He picked it up and said..."Hmm...this pantomime rabbit could...er has come in handy"...so he stuffed it in his pocket...and convinced himself that he went back in time...and used it to create the large hell spawned demonic creature...by putting it into a trash compactor and pressing the required buttons to complete such a task...thus getting himself a step closer to conquering the world.

"Hey pal...you can't bring that thing in here" the taxi driver shouted to the pizza delivery boy as Bill tried feeding a pink poodle to the Hell Spawned Demonic Creature with a spoon in its cranial cavity...the Pizza delivery boy grabbed the nipples of the taxi driver...and gave them a few quick turns...shouting "JESUS CHRIST IS YOUR WAY TO SALVATION!" "Yeah whatever pal" the taxi driver said...as he calmly walked away..."I don't even have a taxi!" the taxi driver complains to the reader of this story..."what kinda lame ass story is this anyway?...THAT STUPID idgit the writer failed to remember that taxi drivers TEND to have taxi's! what a maroon! "...

Bill removed his spoon from the cranium of the Beast and told it to go find his own private Montana...Bill picked up the one remaining red shoe...carefully placed just under the orange cone used to signify that there was a severely hazardous toxic chemical spill a few feet away...He shoved the shoe into his pocket...and gathered up all the remaining Plastic Jesus' laying scattered around.

"Don't play with yourself Willy!" Willy's mother complained..."Especially while fondling your grandmothers buttocks!"...

Bill pondered exactly who "Willy" was...as he rummaged through his pockets...searching for a quarter to put into the payphone so that he could call "Mary" a yet to be introduced character in the ever complicated apparently pointless story...that is currently being transcribed as you read...HA! I bet you thought that it was already written...well that's what I WANTED you to think! HA!...as you read right now...the plot is being written down...and it is appearing to have been placed here...fooling you into being a part of my story...so there!

Bill dialed Mary's number...remembering to leave out the three zero's carefully placed randomly in the number he had memorized. Mary answered..."Ok...did you give him a kiss for me?...oh...ok...Goodbye...don't forget...I wrapped the spoon up in the paper sack"...Bill quite accustomed to conversations with Mary...who had the most unusual time displacement habits he'd seen..."Hi...I have released the demon...no"..."Tall glass building...rather ominous looking"...Mary said..."Where do I go to get the slightly dampened toad?" Bill inquired...already knowing the answer..." "Please deposit another "...the bulldozer fell on its side.

The following event never happened: "...AND You silly person with the spoon...that day you can't remember...well...during that time...we secretly took your spoon and replaced it with...a... DIFFERENT SPOON HA! Everything you have done is in vane!" The would be hero who was to stop Bill from conquering the world with an eating utensil said. "No you haven't" said Bill..."Because I have assured that this event will have never taken place..."..."What?!??" cried the would be hero..."Yes...I uhm...can't remember how because uhm, well I did it during the time that there was nothing...er...when I skipped a day...or something so of course I can't remember...which is why...this never happened uhm...er, yeah...anyway...HA! I have beaten you!" Bill confusedly says.

"Goddamnit you little tramp I go and make a pantomime rabbit for you...and you leave it in a phone booth like a little whore...sheesh!...I knew I should of made a gun holster for you!" says Jeb.

The large demonic hell spawned creature visits Willy's mother.

(to be continued in "Bill conquers the world...with a spoon")